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Low Demand Parenting (for the whole family)
There are a growing number of courses and books discussing the benefits of low-demand parenting strategies. This approach has been adopted by many professionals, such as Dr. Naomi Fisher, who support families. It is becoming increasingly popular amongst parents, especially in neurodivergent communities or in communities where children are struggling with mental health.
Many of the low-demand parenting courses and books aim to support families with neurodivergent children (those who may be autistic, ADHD, PDA or have sensory processing difficulties). However, the benefits of applying this same strategy to yourself as a parent are often not discussed. Allowing yourself flexibility, and giving yourself permission to lower stress in whatever way is manageable for you and your family is as important for you as a parent as it is for your children. Letting go of the expectations for how you feel your family ‘should’ be can be difficult, but it may be the difference between surviving and thriving.
What is low-demand parenting?
A low-demand parenting approach can help lower children’s anxiety, it provides greater flexibility to meet sensory, social and communication needs. Low-demand parenting means working collaboratively and deepening connections with your children as individuals to create an environment so your children can thrive at home and achieve their potential. The aim is to work out ways to meet the unique needs of YOUR family; giving time and space to explore options and find what works best for YOU as a family with all the differences and wonderfulness (and stress!) that may bring as a neurodivergent family.
The PDA society summarises low-demand;
“A partnership based on trust, flexibility, collaboration, careful use of language and balancing of demands works best.”
A low demand approach is not about ‘giving in’ to your children, rather, it means changing your mindset about what you think you ‘should’ or ‘need’ to be doing as a parent. It does not mean there are no boundaries, instead those boundaries may look different to another family. To meet the fluid, fluctuating needs of children (see my article: Autism is fluid ), it may help to see the low-demand parenting approach as being fluid too, it is flexible, in constant flux and is about always having a plan b, c, or x, y, z!
Low-Demand at Home
If your children have sensory needs and difficulties with eating/sleeping, they may feel more comfortable, and their sensory system may be more regulated when eating in their den or being distracted when watching TV. If your children are anxious, they may sleep better being in the same room as you so they feel safe, even if they are no longer babies or toddlers. It is about being flexible and not feeling you have to live up to expectations of the ‘right way’ to parent based on what some other parents may be doing. If your children are neurodivergent, their needs will be different to those that are not neurodivergent; this means you may need a different approach to parenting than what you expected or may have experienced yourself.
There is no ‘right way’ to parent. There is not a single ‘right way’ to parent, every family is different and will have their own unique dynamics and needs. Low-demand parenting helps children develop autonomy and learn ways to stay out of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses. Low-demand parenting is a way to promote good mental health, especially for children who may already be struggling. If your children are autistic, it may provide more opportunities to meet their sensory needs and also be a way of working in more time to develop their special interests, which will also help manage anxiety.
Low-Demand Parenting for Partners
You can apply a low-demand approach to yourself as a parent. It may be more beneficial to partners who are also neurodivergent. Think about what you can change to give you more flexibility as an adult and what you can change to meet your own needs and lower your own anxiety and stress. A less stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed parent will benefit the whole family.
Modelling positive ways to manage your own sensory, social and mental health needs will also support your children. It will set the scaffolding foundations so your children learn effective ways to support their own mental health and advocate for themselves when they are older.
Juggling everyone’s needs in the family can be exhausting. It is important to recognise your own capacity so you don’t head towards burnout. Taking little moments to rest and recharge when you can helps; it all adds up, even if that may just be 5 minutes in the bathroom or an extra 10 minutes sat in the car before you go shopping.
Low demand approach for the whole family.
Take little moments to rest and recharge when you can help; it all adds up.
Letting go of the expectations of what you think you ‘should’ do
Many of society’s rules and expectations are based on the needs of the majority. It can be helpful to think about what your family actually needs and think about what you could do to support them rather than what you feel you should be doing to fit in with other people.
Social & Communication
It’s okay to stay at home, watch TV, and have pyjama days (lots of them if needed!). Playing and working alongside your children can be a really good way for everyone to get a bit of time to do what they want while still being together in a shared space.
Sensory
It’s hard juggling everyone’s sensory needs in a neurodivergent family. Lighting, sound, scents and food can all be difficult to manage if there is more than just you at home.
Executive functioning
There are lots of homelife hacks on social media, and there has been a recent surge of autistic / ADHD/AuDHD living hacks, which include tips on everything from batch cooking to cleaning and home organisation ideas. Various online groups also offer specific support for neurodivergent adults who need help managing household and family-related tasks to help their families get through the days, even when they are really difficult!
Low demand approach supports the whole family.
Parenting is really hard; if you are also autistic and have neurodivergent children, it can feel even more overwhelming at times. Low-demand parenting approaches may help you and your children have a more balanced family life.
Autistic Burnout: A Family Guide is available in my shop.
Signposting
Autistic Parents UK
Autistic Burnout in Parenthood (autisticparentsuk.org)
Reconsidering Parenting through an Autism Lens (autisticparentsuk.org)
PDA Society Resources
Dr Naomi Fisher
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