Explore how monotropism may shape limerence for some Autistic and ADHD people. A neuro-affirming exploration of intense feelings, deep focus and flow.
Many Autistic and ADHD people experience the world through deep focus. Rather than spreading attention lightly across many things at once, our minds often gather around what feels most meaningful. When something sparks interest, connection, or emotional significance, it can hold our attention strongly and for long periods.
This pattern of attention can be understood through the theory of monotropism — a natural tendency to focus deeply on a small number of interests, activities, or relationships at any one time (Murray, Lesser, & Lawson, 2005). Monotropism isn’t a deficit, it is a coherent, meaningful way of engaging with the world that supports deep learning, creativity, memory, problem-solving, emotional richness, and insight.
For many monotropic people, immersion brings a powerful sense of involvement and flow. However, that same depth of focus can also shape how emotions and relationships are experienced, particularly when attachment becomes intense or is uncertain.
On the Map of Monotropic Experiences that I developed with Stimpunks, there is a space marked as the lake of limerence. For many Autistic people, this “lake” is anything but calm; it can feel vast, deep, and difficult to leave. What appears small on the map often becomes an entire landscape of longing, memory, and relational intensity, full of possibilities and ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybe’s’.
Limerence is rarely discussed in relation to autism. When it is mentioned at all, it is usually framed as something excessive, obsessive, immature, or unhealthy. Yet for many of us, it is not a passing phase or something we can easily control. It is a common relational experience, one that shapes how we love, hope, remember, and imagine. It is not simply about attraction or having a crush on someone; it is about how attention flows, emotions pool, memory forms and longing converge in ways that can feel beautiful, overwhelming, painful, and deeply confusing.
What Is Limerence?
Limerence is a term introduced by psychologist Dorothy Tennov (1979) to describe an intense, sustained form of emotional or romantic infatuation. It involves persistent, involuntary thoughts about another person, powerful longing for reciprocation, emotional dependency, and heightened sensitivity to cues of acceptance or rejection.
Limerence is not simply “liking someone a lot” it is more than a “crush”. It feels immersive, compelling, and difficult to loop out of. People experiencing limerence may often find themselves caught between joy and painful longing:
- Thinking about one person repeatedly and involuntarily
- Replaying interactions in their mind
- Imagining future encounters
- Analysing every sign of attention or distance
- Feeling emotionally shifted by small changes in communication
- Revolving their life around that one person
A central feature that drives limerence is uncertainty. Tennov (1979) emphasised that not knowing how the other person feels or being scared, of rejection if you declare your feelings, especially early in a connection, can keep attention active and longing sustained. It is like you are hooked into an attention tunnel and flow state, with all your internal resources being directed towards that one person.
How Monotropism And Limerence May Intersect
The theory of monotropism describes how Autistic (and ADHD) attention tends to centre strongly on what matters most to an individual, and is not easily redirected. When something becomes emotionally significant, it can occupy a large amount of cognitive and emotional space. This applies not only to interests and activities, but also to human and animal connections.
Limerence in Autistic and ADHD people is often shaped by monotropism, a natural tendency toward deep focus and emotional intensity. Rather than being unhealthy or excessive, this pattern reflects how monotropic people engage deeply with relationships, meaning, and how they form connections.
Limerence is like having a “special or intense interest in a person”, a deep focus, emotional highs and lows, and difficulty shifting away from thinking about them. When attention becomes centred on a person or relationship, it may feel both full and satisfying even when that focus is destabilising or distressing.
Psychology Today is referenced in Stimpunks’ glossary and describes limerence as “a state of involuntary obsession with another person.” It mirrors patterns of monotropic focused attention — the very processes that support deep engagement with special interests may also intensify attachment and the feelings of longing and desire.
Because monotropic attention tends to stay with what feels meaningful, thoughts about a person can become all-consuming and repetitive. Your monotropic attentional system naturally holds what matters tightly and for longer. It may feel like you are drowning in a flow state you can’t surface from, leaving you in an in-between state of longing, desire, and pain.
What Limerence May Feel Like
Limerence is frequently described as a blend of pleasure and distress, it hooks you in and may make you feel like you are in a ‘stuck state’.
When there are perceived signs of reciprocity or closeness, you may feel hopeful, energised, emotionally uplifted, and intensely connected. When uncertainty, distance, or mixed signals appear, it can make you feel anxious, depressed, or overwhelmed. Going between these two states is exhausting, but the intense interest keeps driving it forward and reinforcing the pattern.
Tennov (1979) described the process of crystallisation, in which the person of interest becomes idealised: their strengths seem radiant, their flaws recede into the background, and the focus becomes almost magnetic and magical. This is not deliberate self-deception, but how limerence engages monotropic motivation; it pulls you in, deeply. It is like the attention tunnel freezes, and your whole way of being and your sense of meaning in life are oriented around that one person and the possibilities they may bring for you.
In the context of limerence, a monotropic person’s thoughts and sensory experiences may be felt more intensely, creating more difficulty in other areas of life. Executive functioning tasks, communication, sensory, and emotional regulation may all be more difficult to manage when capacity outside the monotropic channel is limited.
This may result in thoughts getting ‘stuck’ in a monotropic channel and looping without moving forwards, without flowing. McDonnell and Milton ‘Going with the flow: reconsidering ‘repetitive behaviour’ through the concept of ‘flow states’.(2014) describe this as ‘clumping’ and is ‘Where the flow of attention resource is halted due to sticking together, and they can form blockages to prevent attention resource bringing certain information into person’s awareness.’
This was also explained in Woods (2019) ‘An Updated Interest Based Account (Monotropism theory) & a Demand Avoidance Phenomenon discussion.’ presentation available here.
If thoughts are crystallised, clumped, stuck, or frozen, it is likely to impact the sensory system too and lead to Autistic inertia. This is when an Autistic person may feel stuck/frozen, unable to start or end tasks or thought processes or move their feelings onto another topic, person or interest.
As your monotropic channel metaphorically freezes , so will your flow state. It may feel as if your thoughts keep growing and expanding as they freeze, they become totally consuming, Limerence (similar to OCD) fills and takes up all available resources/ energy and attention. If you are polytropic (not Autistic/ ADHD), it may be easier to engage and access other channels of attention, and there may be more resources available, so you are more open to suggestions. Your feelings are likely to spread more easily across more people, relationships, and interests.
People experiencing limerence may find it hard to physically move or function outside of this loop, as there is no capacity left to move in the channel, it may feel like you are frozen in an limerent loop.
Research on the neurobiology of attachment and romantic desire shows that dopamine-rich brain circuits that reinforce attention and anticipated reward are active during intense infatuation. In practice, this means limerent feelings aren’t just “thoughts” we have; they are a motivational force, a type of monotropic pull, and affect a person’s whole self and way of being.
When uncertainty remains, these responses can intensify. The bodymind stays alert, scanning for cues, re-evaluating signals, replaying interactions of the person and (potential) relationship, all of which keep attention and emotional arousal elevated and the limerent feelings alive.
Limerence And Autistic Attention Patterns
Limerence is not limited to Autistic people, it is a human experience. However, certain aspects of monotropic experiences can shape how it is felt and may be more intense for Autistic and ADHD people.
Attention Shifting
Difficulty shifting attention, is a feature that many Autistic and ADHD people struggle with. It can make disengagement from limerent thoughts harder, having to move all your attentional resources from one channel to another. Once a connection with another person has become emotionally significant, redirecting focus may feel like a disproportionate effort, especially when attentional energy is limited.
Social Ambiguity And (Mis)Interpretation
Differences in social communication can make ambiguous cues especially challenging, which is also helpfully explained by Damian Milton’s Double Empathy Problem (2012), and my exploration of DEEP (Double Empathy Extreme Problem – Dynamic, Embodied, Ecological, and Political). What another person means isn’t always clear, and this ambiguity can fuel the flow being directed towards that one significant other person. Mixed signals may feel confusing or destabilising, leading to repeated analysis and uncertainty, keeping people stuck in what Sonny Hallett has described as “Loops of Concern“.
Rejection Sensitivity
Many Autistic people have lived experience of exclusion, misunderstanding, or social pain. These trauma histories can amplify sensitivity to rejection or perceived rejection. When connection feels rare, the emotional stakes may feel higher, and uncertainty may become intertwined with sensory dysregulation, fear and longing, all further intensifying the monotropic impact of limerent feelings and the desire to be with that one person.
When Limerence Becomes Painful
Limerence is a natural human experience; some people may experience it briefly, and it may fade naturally over time.
Limerence becomes distressing when it:
- Occupies most waking thoughts (and dreams!)
- Consumes emotional, sensory and cognitive energy
- Interferes with sleep, work, self-care, or well being
- Reinforces anxiety, self-criticism, or negative self-worth
- Dominates identity or self-narrative
These outcomes aren’t a sign of flaw, they reflect how intense monotropic attention and emotional regulation interact with relational uncertainty, longing and that human desire for connection and love.
For monotropic people, sustained emotional monitoring and cognitive vigilance can accelerate exhaustion and burnout. Constant attention reading into every encounter, text message or moment you have together (or could have had together) means that you may be living in a state of high arousal and dysregulation, which takes energy from everything else. Capacity is more limited when so much of your monotropic energy is consumed by thoughts about someone else; sleep, eating, executive function, sensory regulation, and daily self-care can all be affected.
Limerence And Autistic ADHD Needs
Viewed compassionately, I think limerence often points to deeper relational needs: safety, reassurance, belonging, affirmation, and emotional attunement, a desire for togetherness, acceptance and love.
Anissa Ljanta (2024) has described a perspective in which limerence may function as a coping strategy — a way the nervous system seeks regulation through imagined or desired closeness. Rather than “too much emotion,” limerence may be an attempt to meet basic needs with the resources available.
In this frame, the longing isn’t only for the specific person, but for what they symbolise: being chosen, understood, valued, and feeling emotionally safe.
Supporting Yourself Through Limerence
Supporting yourself through limerence doesn’t mean suppressing feelings or following unhelpful advice like “just try to stop thinking about them.” It means learning to care for your natural monotropic attentional and emotional depth without letting it deplete your energy or affect your well-being.
Helpful approaches may include:
- Naming and contextualising the experience as it being part of your monotropic self, without shame
- Recognising patterns of monotropropic attention
- Diversifying sources of meaning and connection
- Cultivating other nervous-system and sensory regulation practices
- Exploring other relational and attachment needs
- Accessing neuroaffirming therapeutic support
Neuro-Affirming Reframing Of Limerence
Exploring limerence through the theory of monotropism shows that attention and emotion are deeply connected. For many Autistic/ ADHD people, relationships are not lightly held; they are experienced with depth and intensity, just like every other aspect of an Autistic /ADHD monotropic person’s life!
When you may have always felt different and outside of spaces, having the chance to feel a sense of belonging may feel like a rare connection, leading you to fantasise about that person and the unknown possibilities they could bring.
Framing limerence within a neuroaffirming understanding of monotropism offers a compassionate and grounded way to make sense of intense feelings. For Autistic and ADHD people, deep emotional focus is not a flaw or a failure of regulation, but a natural way our bodyminds orient toward meaning, safety, and desire for connection.
Exploring limerence through the lens of monotropism helps us understand how deeply Autistic and ADHD people experience connection, meaning, and attachment. When limerence is understood through this lens, it shifts from being pathologised as “too much,” “needy,” or “unstable,” to being recognised as an expression of deep attentional and relational engagement. Our attentional systems do not skim lightly across relationships; they gather, settle, and invest fully in what feels emotionally significant. When this depth meets uncertainty, longing, or hope, limerence can emerge as a natural expression of monotropic engagement rather than a personal failing. Recognising this connection allows Autistic and ADHD people to honour their intensity with compassion and support how their bodyminds flow.
Coming soon!
Neuroqueering limerence, Deleuzian thoughts (some TS Eliot poetry)….
Exploring the in-between…..
Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
T.S. Eliot –Four Quartets, Burnt Norton
References & Further Reading
Edgar, H. (2024, October 21). The double empathy problem is DEEP. Autistic Realms. https://autisticrealms.com/the-double-empathy-problem-is-deep/
Edgar, H. (2025, May 1). Autism & The Map of Neuronormative Domination: Stuck States vs Flow States. Autistic Realms. Retrieved February 12, 2026, from https://autisticrealms.com/autism-the-map-of-neuronormative-domination-stuck-states-vs-flow-states/
Hallett, S. (2025, March 16). Loops of concern — Revisited. Medium. https://medium.com/@sonnyhallett/loops-of-concern-revisited-6dc81ce09bd0
Ljanta, A. (2024). The hidden purpose of limerence. Substack.
https://anissaljanta.substack.com/p/the-hidden-purpose-of-limerence
McDonnell, A., & Milton, D. E. M. (2014). Going with the flow: Reconsidering “repetitive behaviour” through the concept of flow states [Manuscript or working paper]. Kent Academic Repository, University of Kent. Retrieved from https://kar.kent.ac.uk/62647/
Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008https://anissaljanta.substack.com/
Murray, F., Lesser, M., & Lawson, W. (2005). Attention, monotropism and the diagnostic criteria for autism. Autism, 9(2), 139–156.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15857859/
Popova, M. (2021, November 25). Love and limerence: The forgotten psychologist Dorothy Tennov’s revelatory research into the confusions of bonding. The Marginalian. Retrieved February 12, 2026, from https://www.themarginalian.org/2021/11/25/love-and-limerence-dorothy-tennov/
Psychology Today. (n.d.). Limerence. Psychology Today. Retrieved February 12, 2026, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence
Stimpunks. (2024). Limerence. https://stimpunks.org/glossary/limerence/
Tennov, D. (1979). Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. Stein and Day. https://amzn.eu/d/0gIKBk3r
Verywell Mind. (2025). Limerence in autism. https://www.verywellmind.com/limerence-in-autism-11790608
Widdop, L. J. (2024). Limerence, love, and the autistic mind: A deep dive into feeling too much. Medium. https://medium.com/@lucyjanewiddop/limerence-love-and-the-autistic-mind-a-deep-dive-into-feeling-too-much-29f2341f3aaa
Woods, R. (2018, November 9). An interest based account (Monotropism theory) explanation of anxiety in Autism & a Demand Avoidance Phenomenon discussion [Conference presentation]. Monotropism: Autism, Anxiety & DAP. Retrieved from https://view.officeapps.live.com/op/view.aspx?src=https%3A%2F%2Fopenresearch.lsbu.ac.uk%2Fdownload%2Fb534051fae6eef02b39fcb323cdc5a8c89cabf1958e613251356c7a456f0e900%2F158741%2FPARC%2520External%2520Stream%252009%2520November%25202018%2520MK3.pptx
